Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
