so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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