from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
