i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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