so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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