i can't believe i had my finger in that
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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