She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
