I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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