Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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