So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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