he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
