Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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