How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
