Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
