i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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