I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
