So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
