just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
