he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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