he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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