As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize