I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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