I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
