I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
