Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
