I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize