I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
