Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
pop tarts are not kleenex
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize