we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
