be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
