wrigley field is MILF paradise
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just had sex bonerless
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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