Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
