I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Four minutes until I can fart!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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