my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
