btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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