Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
