am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Randomize
