your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
