It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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