gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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