There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
