can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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