my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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