If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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