A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
