my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
