nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
