I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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