just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
