we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I still have a little drunk in my system
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
