Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just gargled with NyQuil
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
