ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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