I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
